Thursday, February 3, 2011

Nothing More Than Feelings



Emotional extremes is one of the signatures of both bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder; cold and withdrawing one minute or hot and "in your face" the next. You could say that I received a double dose of crazy. For sometime, at least in my youth, this quality made me interesting to others, but like many things from back then this quality has not stood the test of time. Now it gets in my way and makes me a victim of my own feelings. 
For years I thought that I would outgrow my hot headed ways. I've worked hard in therapy to gain some mastery over myself and my emotions, but to no avail. Instead, I've watched in horror as my displays have become more out of control, forcing my world to become smaller and smaller. The only respite I have found is to withdraw from people and situations that trigger such events-and that is pretty much everyone and any situation.
These episodes are usually brought on by stress or drama outside of myself. I have managed, in this last year, to reduce these things in my life by 99%. I don't work. I don't socialize. At this time, I can not stand to be tested. 
My current status really blows my mind. I mean this is not what I ever imagined for myself at 37. Just like always though, there is a tiny flame of faith that keeps me going. In my darkest depressions- somehow my pilot light is not extinguished. I pause to wonder at the plan that God has laid out for me. Something in me knows that I am going to be okay. 
I am grateful for this time, as ugly as it looks from the outside. As I sit here, not blowing up at anyone, I feel 
an uncomfortable peace. I wear it like a scratchy wool sweater. It's the first time in my life that I haven't scratched for survival. I'm curious to see what effect this has on my outrageous feelings.
One thing I know: a person can deny their feelings and suffer or travel through them and find their truth. I hope to find my truth.

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