Thursday, January 20, 2011

Anything

Photo: Pink Sherbert Photography
I thought my little blog had run its course. That is, I wasn't so sure that I had anything to say or that I had said anything in six months (this blog lived on Tumblr for two months- until I decided I was too old for a hip Tumblr audience.) I have been trying to decide if my last post was a farewell piece or not, since the beginning of the year. I was going to move over to a private venue because calling what I do a "blog," seemed wrong. "A real bog would educate, inspire, affect positively" I told myself. "A real blog would be more organized, more opinionated. More...."

I do this to myself all the time; kill a thing before it's been given a life. I have been stymied by the whole issue, above all, because I think I am not good enough or some crap. I can't afford to think like that anymore. If I don't believe in myself, who can?  Blog schmlog, but don't stop! I think this is the point in a project where I typically give up. I have to see this as a succession of little problems to be worked slowly instead of one great, big, suffocating one. Six months is nothing.

Being crazy is all I have ever known. Surely, I  have something to say on the subject. Admittedly, the cocktail of medicine that I'm on is not helping. At times it feels as though my brain has been stolen and replaced with a dull, weighty stone.

My original aim was to blog for a year. The year I would stand in line to see a judge about my crazy. The year I would climb out of helpless mode and Help Myself. The year I win. That's the goal on my good days.

People care. I can see that clearly, now. I was so wrapped up in my dark place that I forgot the light of humanity. I was chewing on cotton and void of good feelings. I am sometimes full of excuses and self-hatred.

The fact is I will be pulling pieces of my mind back from the edge for the rest of my life. I have to decide what that looks like. I need something to show for all my secret battles. I need to see that I have been on this earth and done something- anything.

1 comment:

  1. The last line says it all.
    Others can attest to it... but you must see it.

    ReplyDelete