Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Happy New Year

Photo: Diane Arbus ~ Hand Grenade

Next month marks this little blog's six month anniversary. That is about the same time I began therapy on a regular basis again and six months also marks the time I have been in line for my disability hearing; I probably have another six to go before I know anything. My feelings are heavy as I turn this corner and head off into a new year. I am disappointed in my overall progress...the therapy is achingly slow, the blog feels aimless and I remain unemployed or otherwise gainfully  productive. I am dreadfully stuck.

I am stronger than I was this time last year. I am recovering from the divorce (which I still have yet to get, hmmm...resolution #1.) After a little over seven years, I seem to be on the right medication cocktail with about 60% of my symptoms under control-the depression is not as crippling, I no longer fear suicide when I am alone. I am still fighting my bed/avoidance issues, still trying to find my way out. 

All in all though, my life is good. There is a sweetness to it that has not been present for some time. Safety. Security, many t's crossed and i's dotted. Simplicity and economy of movement. I meditate daily on something positive. I'm trying. I swear! I'm grateful, chronically depressed, but grateful. 

For this next year I hope to be more of myself. I need to be okay with that- myself, that is. I am deep into my wait, deep into winter and I better just hang on for another six months, or else. I need for my horizon to be bigger, like it used to be. I hope for more peace than we had last year, more healing, an end to the war. Recovery and continued progress. Blessings, Love and Light....



  1. Sweetheart, you are heading in the right direction. You have more love and light in your life than most people I know. Keep going and you will continue to get better. I don't care what you say about your own mental state; you are still probably one of the strongest people I've known.

  2. I've seen you through so much...
    and there is much I have not...
    Darkness of which I am aware...
    and that which I am not...
    I know of your immense struggle.
    I know I have a vague inkling...
    I know I have no idea...
    but... fuck... YOU ARE STILL HERE!
    And... incidentally... so am I.

  3. Well said Mr. Grey. I look forward to our moons passing. Soon.