Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Happy New Year

Photo: Diane Arbus ~ Hand Grenade




Next month marks this little blog's six month anniversary. That is about the same time I began therapy on a regular basis again and six months also marks the time I have been in line for my disability hearing; I probably have another six to go before I know anything. My feelings are heavy as I turn this corner and head off into a new year. I am disappointed in my overall progress...the therapy is achingly slow, the blog feels aimless and I remain unemployed or otherwise gainfully  productive. I am dreadfully stuck.

I am stronger than I was this time last year. I am recovering from the divorce (which I still have yet to get, hmmm...resolution #1.) After a little over seven years, I seem to be on the right medication cocktail with about 60% of my symptoms under control-the depression is not as crippling, I no longer fear suicide when I am alone. I am still fighting my bed/avoidance issues, still trying to find my way out. 

All in all though, my life is good. There is a sweetness to it that has not been present for some time. Safety. Security, many t's crossed and i's dotted. Simplicity and economy of movement. I meditate daily on something positive. I'm trying. I swear! I'm grateful, chronically depressed, but grateful. 

For this next year I hope to be more of myself. I need to be okay with that- myself, that is. I am deep into my wait, deep into winter and I better just hang on for another six months, or else. I need for my horizon to be bigger, like it used to be. I hope for more peace than we had last year, more healing, an end to the war. Recovery and continued progress. Blessings, Love and Light....

~sm 




5 comments:

  1. Sweetheart, you are heading in the right direction. You have more love and light in your life than most people I know. Keep going and you will continue to get better. I don't care what you say about your own mental state; you are still probably one of the strongest people I've known.

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  2. I've seen you through so much...
    and there is much I have not...
    Darkness of which I am aware...
    and that which I am not...
    I know of your immense struggle.
    I know I have a vague inkling...
    I know I have no idea...
    but... fuck... YOU ARE STILL HERE!
    And... incidentally... so am I.

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  3. Well said Mr. Grey. I look forward to our moons passing. Soon.

    ~sm

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