I've been working hard towards a breakthrough in therapy since August. I have stumbled upon one and am pausing to contemplate and quietly celebrate. The deeper I travel into the labyrinth, seeking out those secret things that cause me pain, the more I see that there must be a way out of my ineffectual madness. I have been running a gauntlet of raw, ancient emotions. I have slept and slept. Somewhere I am healing.
I am an intelligent, capable and basically healthy woman who sometimes goes for long periods of time without the will to live. The illness levels me. The illness has affected nearly every chapter of my life. I am acknowledging this as my truth, my story. I am grieving lost time and lost chances.
During those times when I am the sickest, I am at the mercy of intrusive, obsessive, negative thoughts. I fail to do the basics: brush teeth, take shower, feed self. In my mind it is like a long, slow seizure. I become paralysed by an embarrassing apathy and an irrational fear of everything. I feel like I have the flu, my body aches. I feel my own dead weight. I think on those days I would watch burglars take my television out the front door from my bed.
I have to remind myself that my brain is damaged; I have an illness; the illness is real so that I do not kill myself from shame. I would not beat someone up, like I do myself, for having cancer or diabetes. I am learning to love myself as I am and not as I wish I was. I am learning to look with compassion upon myself and my story.
I see that I have been strong, resourceful and brave.
My successful living partly depends on my ability to begin the day and then move fluidly from one activity to another, moving towards and reaching goals a bit at a time until I get to the end of my day. I find that I am spending less time between episodes in recovery; I am spending less time out of commission in bed. I have a clear vision, my therapeutic goal has become to achieve emotional independence.
I hope that you have a good week, dear reader. This week I hope that you have a breakthrough and find yourself on the other side of a problem you have been working out.