Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Feeling Kooky:

Photo: Josephine Baker






Ignore the formatting issues of this post, Blogspot  is having some maintenance problems. 
When I started this blog, I promised myself that I would, above all, remain positive. I wanted to record and share my experiences with mental illness without leaving myself or you, the reader, feeling hopeless. I have been recording my thoughts and feelings since I was nineteen and I know all the dark places of my mind intimately. I know, all too well, "the shit-smelling pit." I am trying to feed myself on positive thoughts, these days.


As a writer and an artist I feel that producing encouragement and inspiration is just as important as presenting truth.


That being said, last week's post was written through a thick fog of depression. I ended up unhappy with it, both, as a coherent piece of writing, and for the piece's overall lack of  transparency. I was in an enormous amount of pain! I was suffering in the grips of crippling depression and an intense feeling of loneliness.



But,  I had a deadline and I wanted to make it. So I put on my smiley face and implied that I was "building a palace out of my depression"--I was lying in bed and barely able to move.



There is a fine line between sharing one's feelings productively and emotional dumping. In trying to avoid
-dumping- my negative thoughts all over the place I was avoiding the actual pain. After thinking about it for a week and putting another therapy session under my belt, I can see that it is the voice of  my "detached protector" that tries to paint everything all rosy. It is this dissociation from my feelings that I am trying to beat.



 In general, I have to work really hard to organize my thoughts at all. With many mental health issues and the side effects from the medications that treat them, my cognitive skills suffer on a daily basis.  For example, I can learn over and over how to use commas correctly (I keep an English manual by my side), but I can forget just as quickly.


I had found a writing tool that was helping me find my blogger footing, a web site called, 750words.com . Writing three pages a day helped me to clear some of the muck in my head in order to find the good stuff- I know it's in there. The more you write the easier it becomes, just like anything. 


During this last round of depression, I abandoned the practice which I had kept for a month. The clarity of my thoughts suffered for it. This  happens in my life all the time: starting and stopping, starting and stopping. I have a million unfinished projects that bring me endless amounts of sadness and self-loathing.

 I want to struggle beside you, dear reader, as we journey to wellness and wholeness, not above you on some pink cloud. It is not my intention to sugar coat the darker details of what I am going through; that would be unfair to both of us.

As I move from acceptance to awareness regarding my borderline personality disorder, I find myself freaking out on all levels. This is called "emotional thawing." In therapy world; symptoms always gets worse before they get better. In other words: just before any kind of breakthrough you feel like you are going to die.

 I guess what I am really saying in all of this babble is, "Please bare with me as I get back on my feet and continue to search for my authentic voice."  I'm fairly certain that this was all I needed to say in the first place.

Enjoy the rest of your week and the upcoming weekend!
Be Well,
~sm

5 comments:

  1. continue as you are able.
    may the project serve you and not the other way around.
    projects come and go...
    some fail... some triumph...
    how measure which is almost always subjective.
    but to me...
    as long the the progenitor is preserved,
    the projects are a blessing.

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  2. Other than the fact that I know where the commas go but can't remember what I ate for breakfast yesterday, I could have written this.

    Thank you for your encouragement, your bravery, and your sisterhood. (I'm back in therapy, too.)

    So proud of you. Keep up the good work.

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  3. Hello John!

    Thanks for taking the time.

    I had to look up the word "progenitor"....but I finally gotcha!



    I am really hoping for "triumph" as far as the blog is concerned. Having a weekly deadline and working to get my thoughts out clearly is proving to be great medicine. Having others bare witness to my progress also makes me feel accountable for how I spend my time each week.

    (You have been a project guy from way back....the best mixed tapes ever!)

    ~sm

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  4. Hey Denise,

    Such beautiful words in the midst of your own struggles. Thanks Sista, it's good to be here for each other.

    Good luck as you begin a new round of therapy. May you find exactly what you need exactly when you need it.

    Much love,
    ~sm

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  5. :) Always S.M.

    And... I had to look up progenitor too. It meant what I thought it meant... but I had to be sure. Once again my leanings towards illiteration got the best of me.

    I should put together a mix CD soon!

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