|Photo: Josephine Baker|
Ignore the formatting issues of this post, Blogspot is having some maintenance problems.
When I started this blog, I promised myself that I would, above all, remain positive. I wanted to record and share my experiences with mental illness without leaving myself or you, the reader, feeling hopeless. I have been recording my thoughts and feelings since I was nineteen and I know all the dark places of my mind intimately. I know, all too well, "the shit-smelling pit." I am trying to feed myself on positive thoughts, these days.
As a writer and an artist I feel that producing encouragement and inspiration is just as important as presenting truth.
That being said, last week's post was written through a thick fog of depression. I ended up unhappy with it, both, as a coherent piece of writing, and for the piece's overall lack of transparency. I was in an enormous amount of pain! I was suffering in the grips of crippling depression and an intense feeling of loneliness.
But, I had a deadline and I wanted to make it. So I put on my smiley face and implied that I was "building a palace out of my depression"--I was lying in bed and barely able to move.
There is a fine line between sharing one's feelings productively and emotional dumping. In trying to avoid
-dumping- my negative thoughts all over the place I was avoiding the actual pain. After thinking about it for a week and putting another therapy session under my belt, I can see that it is the voice of my "detached protector" that tries to paint everything all rosy. It is this dissociation from my feelings that I am trying to beat.
In general, I have to work really hard to organize my thoughts at all. With many mental health issues and the side effects from the medications that treat them, my cognitive skills suffer on a daily basis. For example, I can learn over and over how to use commas correctly (I keep an English manual by my side), but I can forget just as quickly.
I had found a writing tool that was helping me find my blogger footing, a web site called, 750words.com . Writing three pages a day helped me to clear some of the muck in my head in order to find the good stuff- I know it's in there. The more you write the easier it becomes, just like anything.
During this last round of depression, I abandoned the practice which I had kept for a month. The clarity of my thoughts suffered for it. This happens in my life all the time: starting and stopping, starting and stopping. I have a million unfinished projects that bring me endless amounts of sadness and self-loathing.
I want to struggle beside you, dear reader, as we journey to wellness and wholeness, not above you on some pink cloud. It is not my intention to sugar coat the darker details of what I am going through; that would be unfair to both of us.
As I move from acceptance to awareness regarding my borderline personality disorder, I find myself freaking out on all levels. This is called "emotional thawing." In therapy world; symptoms always gets worse before they get better. In other words: just before any kind of breakthrough you feel like you are going to die.
I guess what I am really saying in all of this babble is, "Please bare with me as I get back on my feet and continue to search for my authentic voice." I'm fairly certain that this was all I needed to say in the first place.
Enjoy the rest of your week and the upcoming weekend!