Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Ain't Gonna Have Those No-Job-Havin' Blues....Part II

I have been out of a paying job since May of 2009. I was fired because of my personality and the way I don't get along with bosses sometimes. I was actually barred from the property. At the same time things blew up with my husband. I was beyond depressed. I found myself adrift on a kind of suicide cloud. Until recently (ah, the miracle of medicine!), I have not been able to leave Bedland except for a few brief and painful outings. I was basically in bed for about a year and a half. I’m still writing my way out of it, still healing. I don't get out much, people and crowds scare me. I am nervous all the time.
It is not the poverty that bothers me about not working, in fact, in twenty-one years I have never made more than $9,000.00 in a single year. My social security statement proves it. The thing is, I keep thinking that being out of a job means that I am not allowed to enjoy my life. After all, without a job what does my life mean? I keep telling myself that I am useless and I cry endlessly about being broken, shattered. Through every season, I am wrapped tight in a thick woolen blanket of self-loathing and doubt-sunny days or not.
 I am making myself suffer even more because of this false belief about self-worth. The grip of my illness has lessened for a moment and I see clearly that I cannot afford think in such a way.

Time is the one thing I have and more time is the one thing the everybody wants. By those standards, David and I are millionaires.
I have suffered many years for my inability to hold a job. I have suffered more for my inability to believe in my intrinsic self-worth. For years I have masochistically kept myself from doing what I love. I am a creative person by nature; but I am an artist who will produce no art. 
I, and many like me, have at least been given the gift of time. We must not join the ranks of overstuffed Americans who have no identity without their jobs and the stuff they spend their paychecks on. On our good days, we must rise and find that thing to do that connects us with another human being. We must find that thing that we always wish we were doing and do it!

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